Denied

It's meeting day. You don't dread it, per se. [[(Not more than usual)->Not belonging (sidebar)]] There's talk of reorg. You agree it's needed. [[You don't know yet this will be the day you finally call it quits.->Meeting 1]]

Sidebar. You're always somewhat on edge with this particular group. People you *want* to get along with, a place that feels *almost* right. It doesn't quite click, it doesn't quite match, and you have no idea why. It's easy to blame the gulf of covid precautions. It's not like you can run the control experiment of them giving a fuck. {back link, label: "End sidebar."}

It starts well enough, treading well-trodden ground. Too much inertia. Meetings are dull. People stop showing up. Therefore, let's cut down on meetings, let people do their thing. [[*Autogestion* is the French name. *Self-management*.->Meeting 2]]

This segues naturally into equally well-trodden ground. But [[what if->But what if (sidebar)]] someone does a thing that does not fit? But [[what if->But what if (sidebar)]] if the collective's name gets attached to something that goes against everything we are? [[You don't quite yawn, but you do wait for the next beat.->Meeting 3]]

There have been discussions before. Should we work with institutions? Should we seek real funding? The group settled then, milquetoast, on a version of "you do you". {back link, label: "This is about to be relevant."}

This segues naturally into equally well-trodden ground. It'll be fine. We have shared values. We trust each other. People would never do something like that. [[Others raise their hands.->Meeting 4]]

Examples follow. Choices that were made. [[Debates that occurred->But what if (sidebar)]]. All necessary parts of existing as a collective. [[Your stomach has been tightening from the start.->Old wound (sidebar)]] [[You raise your hand.->Meeting 5]]

"Trust is complicated for me." You [[explain->Explaining is losing (reading)]] for what feels like the millionth time. You [[explain->Explaining is losing (reading)]] that, once more, the only masked people in the room are mask bloc members. You [[explain->Explaining is losing (reading)]] that one of your first contacts with the collective was setting up air purifiers for an event. You [[explain->Explaining is losing (reading)]] that you could then not stay for the event because it was still not safe enough for you. [[You try not to sound too bitter.->Meeting 6]]

Sidebar. You've still got [[a gaping wound->https://lia-sae.net/articles/2025/05/faggot-necropolitics.html]] from a talk in the spring of 2025. People - unmasked - cheerfully describing your shared identity as one of community and practice. You raised your hand then, and asked: "Can we talk about ableism for a second? If I can never join, then [[what am I?->Then what am I? (reading)]]" {back link, label: "End sidebar."}

You've done your reading and while *Battlestar Galactica (2004)* sure has bad politics, you're haunted by a few scenes. One of those is [[Kara "Starbuck" Thrace finding her own corpse and screaming in agony->https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE89rPJM7JY]]. "If that's me lying there then what am I? ~~What am I~~?" Leoben, so far happy to groom and manipulate her, [[runs away in horror at the monster he created.->Meeting 4]]

You've done your reading and you rewatch [[*Never Play Defense*->https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmVkJvieaOA]] at least twice a year. You know very well that if you're always explaining, then you're always losing. You refuse to apply this lens to anarchist queer collectives. {back link, label: "This is probably a mistake."}

The reply comes, predictable. "So long as you're interested in accessibility, of course it can keep being a topic!" In hindsight, you should have gone straight for [[venom.->Venom (sidebar)]] [[Instead you keep explaining.->Meeting 7]]

"I'm not *interested* in accessibility. I *have to* work on it so I can exist in the space." "Okay. But so long as you want to do it..." "I don't *want to*. I *have to*." [["Okay. But..."->Meeting 8]]

You don't figure it out until the next day. "Wow, really? I am allowed to keep doing free work you don't give a fuck about? How kind of you!" Obvious. Bitchy. On par with the typical tone. You would probably not have gotten away with it. {back link, label: "Oh well."}

## "If someone wants to do it it'll get done, and if no one wants to do it then it won't get done." You take the decision in that exact second. [[You just answer "Okay".->Meeting 9]]

To some degree it feels like your ears are ringing. *Knockout*. But also it doesn't because [[you're not surprised->Shame does not work (reading)]]. Or, you're surprised, but only by how direct and earnest it was for a change. [[*If no one wants to do it then it won't get done.*->Meeting 10]]

You feel the tears well up. You hold them back. It's annoying to cry in a mask and no one will care. You half-listen to the next hour of the meeting. Chime in when relevant. Mostly, you wait for the right time. [[*If no one wants to do it then it won't get done.*->Meeting 11]]

You've done your reading and you know that [[*shame does not work*->https://lia-sae.net/articles/2026/09/harm-reduction-complications.html]]. You suddenly wonder whether they so love to repeat that sentence because shame is simply something they never feel while being cruel to others. {back link, label: "(They feel it about other things. So do you.)"}

Part of why you're stepping away is that you've got allies. [[Staying would hurt you->This cannot continue (reading)]]. Staying would hurt their work. You'd love to stay, though. {back link, label: "It'd be great if what you wanted mattered."}

As things close off you mention a relevant event for the calendar. (It's a week later. None of them will show up) Then you speak up briefly. "Please delete my account and remove my email from the list. [[I'm leaving the collective->Allies (sidebar)]]." [[No one tries to talk you out of it.->Meeting 12]]

You've done your reading and you rewatch [[*This is not a humanising poem*->https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9Sz2BQdMF8]] at least once a year. *If you need me to prove my humanity, I'm not the one that's not human.* You're white. You don't want to pretend it's quite the same. There's something in common though, and you've rarely seen white people describe it well. {back link, label: "It's only one of many reasons you strive to be a dogged antiracist."}

You held back your tears because tears only matter [[when they come from people->Not a humanising poem (reading)]]. You held back your [[venom->Venom (sidebar)]] because bitchiness only lands [[when it comes from people->Not a humanising poem (reading)]]. You held back your plea for sympathy because [[that is only extended to people->Bullying (reading)]]. And you're not a person. [[It's that simple.->Meeting 13]]

You're too trans, too disabled, too annoying, too ugly. (Do not argue with that last one) Most of all, you're too righteous and that is insufferable. [[So you can't be a person.->Impossible (sidebar)]]

You've done your reading but Sara Ahmed's *Feminist Killjoy Handbook* is still on the to-read pile. What you have instead is extensive practice standing your ground against the crowd. That's what it takes to be a game engine programmer when you're not a cis white man. You like to joke you're stubborn for a living. {back link, label: "You think that makes them deeply afraid."}

They tell themselves and each other that you're impossible. Impossible to talk to, impossible to reason with. They paint an unwavering moral compass as a refusal of nuance. That compass is dangerous: you might actually be right. [[So you can't be a person.->Meeting 13]]

You've done your reading and you know this is a pernicious form of bullying. Neglect, systematized. Hypocrisy as praxis. Space after space priding itself on being about care and solidarity. {back link, label: "That only applies to people, though, and you're not a person."}

Don't get me wrong: you're not a child or furniture like many disabled adults. You're something worse. A threat. You're [[a monster of sorts->Too everything (sidebar)]]. But [[monsters get cool powers->Programmer (sidebar)]]. [[You don't.->Meeting 14]]

What you got is stubbornness, (A must for a programmer) A shockingly high tolerance to ego death, (A must for a programmer) And a combination of lucky career choice and hobbies that mean you get to mostly not depend on other people. [[(Hey, you're a programmer)->AI (sidebar)]]

You reflect endlessly on the eerie similarities between bullying from covid YOLOers and bullying from fans of so-called AI programming tools. You could have done with just one lost cause ruining your day-to-day. Two is a bit much. Three if you count climate change. Fascism and genocide aren't directly affecting you, yet, though they're not helping morale. [[Polycrisis, you say?->Meeting 13]]

You've done your reading and you kinda envy *Machineries of Empire*'s Kujen on your bad days. How convenient it must be to amputate away your ability to care. {back link, label: "(You wouldn't want to. Your parents were always socialists.)"}

You've done your reading and it finally clicks that one reason you so like the stubborn-doofus-with-ironclad-principles archetype is that fiction sells you the lie that [[such people can be well-liked->https://lia-sae.net/articles/2025/05/you-should-play-baten-kaitos-revisited.html]]. {back link, label: "Or that the ragtag band of underdogs gets to enact change."}

You barely bother [[feeling that it's not fair->Kujen (reading)]]. You're used to it by now. When you bring up that [[it's a pattern->Pattern (sidebar)]], a friend asks you whether you've considered changing. You've been a feminist for two decades and [[you know a fallacy when you see one->Killjoy (reading)]]. [[*If you need me to prove my humanity, I'm not the one that's not human.*->Meeting 15 / Denied (reading)]]

The pattern is that people make up a version of you in their head. They read ghost intent between words that are precise. They picture an agenda where there is no strategy. [[They *hate* the version of you they have made up in their head.->French-Swedish (sidebar)]]

They hate it even more because you are earnest and won't take a hint. You're French and do not shy away from conflict, even if it gets heated. You're Swedish and believe in working with people you disagree with. [[You confuse the shit out of everyone.->Meeting 14]]

You've done your reading and it all boils down to a corny sentence from [[a corny song by a corny band->https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uu1ajyxKUBQ]]. *A situation like this should never exist*. The same corny song also goes *But I won't let the world burn around me*. And [[you're not about to give up now->Trope (reading)]]. # Not-the-end

You've done your reading and while you have plenty of grudges with *NieR: Automata*, you're haunted by a few sounds. One of those is a bossfight track [[where robots chant "This cannot continue" the entire time->https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHPOuYSnnGc]]. [[The mechanical accumulation of it hits a mood that feels painfully familiar.->Meeting 11]]